First thing’s first, anyone who can tell me what movie the title of this piece is from gets something awesome. I haven’t figured out what yet, but it’ll be awesome.
Second, my mom reads this blog so I’m going to go ahead and apologize now for its content. But mom, you’ve got to know by now that the jig is up. Those three kids of mine didn’t just appear out of nowhere.
Guess what. Guys like sex. I can promise you that if you line up a bunch of men and take a poll they’ll tell you that they don’t get enough of it for their liking. Well you know what dudes? Ladies like sex, too. But it takes just a little bit more than a free ten minute window or an inappropriately timed “grind” to get us going. It takes effort on your part and you’re going to have to start taking the hint if you really want to get your lady into bed. So let me enlighten you.
- When you get home and the children are running around the house like crazy trolls high on meth, calm them instantly and then help them clean up the playroom so you can all eat dinner and end the marathon day.
- Another one for when you walk through the door – don’t immediately walk into the bathroom with your phone and/or iPad and proceed to take 852 minutes doing whatever it is you do in there.
- And last but not least for when you get home, don’t touch her. Chances are she’s spent all day being pawed at and climbed on. If she’s like me, she’s had a baby on her hip from 6 AM until 6 PM because he only wants her and the thought of anyone else coming within 5 feet of her makes her want to drive a nail through her eyeball. You’ll have plenty of time to touch whatever you want after you’ve followed this list.
- Seduce her with the sound of the vacuum or the running water of the kitchen sink.
- Fill the home not with the smell of flowers, but the smell of clean clothes that are folded and put away.
- Close the shower curtain so it doesn’t mildew, put new toilet paper on the roll when you use the last of it, and wipe the toothpaste smudges off the sink so she doesn’t have to chisel it off when cleaning.
- Don’t leave your dirty socks on the kitchen table.
- Load the dishwasher the way she likes it. You have no idea what a turn on that is.
- Take out the trash without her asking. That alone will probably have her dragging you upstairs.
- Ask her how her day was and pretend like you care when she spews every moment and talks non-stop because she hasn’t spoken to an adult all day.
- Get up with the baby. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.
- Put your clothes in the hamper and not NEXT TO THE HAMPER.
- Really get her riled up by doing pretty much anything without being asked.
- And last but not least, say thank you for all she does to keep things running while you’re out working hard. We don’t deny that your jobs are taxing and exhausting and horrible in their own right but we’re usually pretty good at showing our gratitude (it’s part of our job description, after all). Return that gratitude and then take her to bed or lose her forever! (Bonus points for that movie reference, too)
The bottom line is that ladies need more TLC. We need help and support in the form of actions that show you’re thinking of us and what we do all day. I realize I’m speaking for everyone on this but I have yet to chat about this with someone who disagrees with me. Sure, there are days when we’re up for whatever spontaneous sexytimes come our way but most of the time they come at the end of a very long and exhausting day and the last thing in. the. world. we want is to do anything but collapse and sleep. So make the staying up worth our while. *insert winky face emoji*
P.S. I’d also like to apologize to my aunts, church leaders, and anyone who is offended by this post. I’m just trying to cover my bases here. But honestly ladies, AMIRIGHT?